My life and work are co-mingled and hard to divide. Although I mostly keep work related stuff separate from my blog, sometimes it is relevant. My husband and I share our business and are immersed in the same milieu day and night. Unfortunately, that means when one of us has problems with work, clients etc. we both share the same worries and we don't always agree on a course of action to resolve the problems. I often hear "Whose side are you on?" the reply is usually, "The Client's".
Throw into the mix that I am still acting as translator for hubby, who has tried and failed to learn fluent English in the 25 years we have been here, and the term "Don't kill the messenger" takes on personal meaning. Often, as I try to clarify the nuances of some issue or other from a client's point of view, I am faced with the angry response that is not mine to own.
Everyone has been affected in some way by this economy. We have been lucky to have a safety net, in the form of a small inheritance from my parents. I have been able to bridge the gap; eking out my personal funds in small increments; trying to save enough to keep my dreams alive, but doing what is necessary for our stability and to help a friend not lose her house.
Things are definitely on the road to recovery. I think that by the springtime we will be bathed in the light that is currently peeking in at the end of the tunnel. It doesn't make it any easier to swallow the bitter pill that I have willingly surrendered my dreams for the greater good and all the thanks I get is to be told, " I don't know why you did that" "All you had to do was work harder, sign more clients and make more of our business, etc...."
It shouldn't get to me, I've surely heard it before. I know there will be no pony under the tree. But it still feels like a dagger to the heart. Every day I get up and do the best I know how. Win or lose, at the end of the day, I know I have given my all and that, as the sun rises tomorrow, I will stand up and do it all over again.
Pleased to report
15 hours ago
I like that, even when times are hard, you've been willing to help out a friend in need. Hope better times are ahead!
ReplyDeleteKate, I have to believe they are.
ReplyDeleteHas anyone tried to pin global warming on you yet? Don't ponies = methane or is it only ruminants who are so toxically flatulent?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kate about your gesture to your friend - I seriously doubt I would step up to the plate like that. Quite possibly your reward is waiting elsewhere.
Take heart! After what the Pliers said (and I have grown to value and trust her opinion) I'd be prepared to nominate you for sainthood.
And on top of it all it'll soon be Christmas! Things really can't get any blacker, can they?
ReplyDeleteYou strike me as quite a tough old boot, you'll do it. Having a rant helps, or, if you have a hill handy, climbing up to the top and shrieking. I can't guarantee that it works.
"But He Never Hit Me: The Devastating Cost of Non-Physical Abuse to Girls and Women" by Dr. Jill A. Murray (available this very moment on Amazon.com) is a book that I would recommend highly to a total stranger, someone that I did not know at all who articulated for me dialogue, experiences, and feelings such as those you have so carefully and earnestly expressed here today, but I have avoided being brutally frank because, as you could correctly assert, you are an adult and I ain't yo' momma.
ReplyDeleteBut if I were, I would have insisted that you read that book years ago. However, it is never too late. Of course, I also recommend "Transitions..." by William Bridges, which I know for a fact is on your desk.
I have enormous respect for all that you have accomplished in the past 24 years with very little direct appreciation, acknowledgment, and celebration of your efforts having been directed toward you by he who has most clearly benefited from them. I support you in continuing to write about that regardless of how discouraging or painful it might be.
Contrary to opinions expressed by others, I do not consider using your inheritance to help others–any others, under any circumstances–to be laudable. There is only one human being on this earth that I want to see benefit from your largesse, at the moment, and that, my dear English Rider, is you.
The temptation to put yourself and your needs second is too strong in you at this time. The true struggle for you will be to put yourself first, taking nothing from another, but refusing to carry his or her load.
"You must be the change you want to see in the world." to quote the little man who threw your native country out of his backyard with a refusal to be dominated.
Being taken for granted–"To underestimate the value of"–repeatedly and summarily– "Performed speedily and without ceremony"–is by its nature infuriating and the anger, the reaction to the inherent unfairness of the situation, that is generated each and every single time that it happens must be expressed or repressed. Langston Hughes said it much more poetically than I in:
"A Dream Deferred"
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
I cannot, nor will I presume to, tell you how to live your life. I am, however, within my rights as an empathetic free person to suggest reading material to you based upon my observation of the deferral of your dreams and desires, in full knowledge of the travesty of their having been abjectly neglected for much too long.
Your companion in the trenches,
Deborah, my shoulders are wide. I can take the load, most of the time. My friend was in the process of losing her kid brother to cancer. More than monetary help, I felt that having me believe in her future ability to pay me back would help support her in being able to keep going.
ReplyDeleteFriko, from one tough old boot to another, that's the nicest thing I have been called in a long while. Danke!
This post was a big window into your life.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a pony or a hundred ponies I'd put ribbons on them all for you.
But I want very much to hurt your husband... so with nothing good to say...I'll try not to say anything.
I've done the money thing twice in my life... I think I did have the necessary information in my head to know better and chose not to accept it... much to my dismay of needing help down the road in return only to be left for dead so to speak.
@eloh, You and Pliers and I can be quite a team. Charlies Angels, along the lines of the snow angel in your last post. Somebody's bareassed nightmare :) Thank you for the pony. I am working through this. The blog helps as an outlet, a place to arrange my thoughts and a sanctuary of support. Negativity diminishes my spirit and tires me out. I need a few more posts to get past this. I will, though. The best revenge is to live well.
ReplyDeletePliers, Tell away sweet momma. I understand your intentions are good. One or two more whingeing posts and I will be better.
ReplyDeleteIn the early 80s, I think I visited the place you speak of. For me, the way out was to draw my own map to where I wanted to get. You seem to have a strong spirit and more talent than you need to draw a map.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Pliers! I'm in the middle of a similar money thing with someone in my family. I know I'll never see a panny of it back, but what can you do? Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteLike I said in response to your last post, ER. Overstarch the crotch of the man's underwear. Seriously, it's no fun.
ReplyDelete