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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Residual Animus?

Every day since mid June, I have placed calls to England. My sister had a birthday June 24th and I wanted to make sure that she'd received her present and to wish her "Happy Birthday!". I was also excited that I would announce my September visit. For the usual reasons (time and money), it's been four years since I made it back to my native land. I have Aunts and cousins and my one and only sister. I never deliberately gave up on family and country, it just turned out that way.
My sister has a prickly personality. She's something of a self-styled hermit. She decided a while ago to no longer listen to phone messages and to only pick up the telephone when she felt like it.
Yesterday we spoke for the first time in several months. Her instant response was to tell me that two weeks is too long for her to have me as a house guest and I should make other plans.
I have to admit my feelings are hurt. It was a pretty big deal for me to scrape together the where-with-all to purchase a ticket and plan to be away for two whole weeks.
I have choices; I can tell her to go to hell and not visit her at all; I can pretend her behavior is normal, pay for bed and breakfast nearby and grovel for a time slot that is convenient to her; or....?
You tell me. What would you do?

23 comments:

  1. Ah! I'll have to go off and think about it . My initial reaction might not be the best approach ....

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  2. I'm a terrible giver of advice, but I hope you make a decision that works out for the best in the long term.

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  3. Oh, Baby!

    That's one helluva wide open door et sauf le respet que je lui doit I, of course, would immediately begin rethinking the trip. Not canceling in any way, shape, or form but, rather, keeping my/your ticket and nailing, firstly, my sister down to exactly what days she feels she could cope with having me on hand. I know that you want to see her and your nephew (and by the way, he should definitely have the opportunity to see you. It's not every English kid who has une tante d'Amérique. Why, hell, I know Brits who have been seeking out my own English great-great-grandmother who immigrated from Lancashire to, of all places, Hope, effing, Arkansas in 1882! You, too, will go down in family history as the black sheep, ma chère.)

    So, anyway, you have a ticket, you'll get F's preferred window of time to see you, and then you'll either get around town to other friends, into London for that play we spoke about, or into Scotland to see a couple of cousins.

    Heeeeellllllooo, I suppose I don't need to remind you that you have seriously go-to-the-wall friends in central France--oh, but you already knew that when you carved out your 2 weeks and bought your ticket to Europe without telling them. Funny about that. But, I won't hold it against you, much. What are your dates?

    And if you call this advice, you are welcome to it!!!

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  4. I'd be tempted to stay somewhere else entirely and pay her a small, short visit... but it's not me that has to live with the fall-out. It's a toughie.

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  5. I have a similar relationship with my sister. In fact, we've not spoken for three or four years (her choice). We are what we are.

    Why not drop by for a short visit - as Steve suggests - then relax, and enjoy the rest of your stay?

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  6. Just honor her wishes. She is who she is and you can't change her. And actually she is doing you a favor by being blunt. What if you arrived and she was hell to live with for days on end? I say, ask her what days would work and then spend the rest of your vacation at a hotel and enjoy it.

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  7. I would have to tell her how I felt - tactfully - otherwise your hurt will fester. Then follow Maria's advice. Good luck!

    Or come to Wiltshire and I'll take you for a hack!

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  8. That's a hard one. I think I would stay somewhere else if possible and just visit. Ask her what would be best for her and abide by her wishes or I think your feelings will be hurt if you don't. Then go have some fun with other friends and family in other countries. Obviously, they'd like to see you.

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  9. Wow... that would hurt my feelings too. But, I am just getting over many many visits from family this year. Two weeks really is too long for me to have a constant houseguest, it makes me crankier but I would never tell them that. I do like having them with us, I just wish I didn't have to constantly entertain them, you know? I would say, give her a visit for a day. Like Maria said, You may find that you don't want to be there anyway, if she is so prickly. Make other plans. If she complains that you only saw her for such a short time, well, you can tell her then how you feel. You were hurt because she didn't want you there for two weeks in the first place. Play it by ear?

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  10. BUT! You could always reserve a hotel for two weeks, and only visit her during the day. That way she has the nights to "recover" if necessary. If everything goes good, it goes good. If it goes bad, you won't be stuck there uncomfortably?

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  11. S&S, I'm trying to emulate your restraint.

    Stephen, actually, I think your words lend the correct perspective.

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  12. Ms.Pliers, I started a couple of emails to you but my thoughts are, as yet, inconclusive. We will delve deeper, I promise.

    Steve,that's probably what will happen. It's sad. I feel as though my citizenship has been revoked and I'm now only a tourist in my own land.

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  13. Martin, solitary walks across cliff-top paths above the roiling sea?

    Maria, sound advice, I'm sure. It just changes the whole point of the exercise (not to mention, the cost).

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  14. Frances, There may well be some letter-writing in my near future, and maybe even a hack on the downs.

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  15. Grey Horse,that's probably what will happen. I just have to redirect my focus and decide to have fun regardless. Talking things out, and repeating them, always helps me feel better. That's why I wrote about this, rather than stewing alone.

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  16. That's sad :(
    I think you could go there for a week and come with me to Portugal for the second week (as it looks like that's where I will be when you are here). You will then have the best of both worlds - time with family and time with wonderful horses.
    All the best and hope sister changes her attitude when she sees you!

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  17. Furry Bottoms, I was willing to overlook her prickliness in the name of sisterhood. She worries me. She's unhappier than she should be and she drinks to numb her emotional pain. Then, of course, she gets argumentative and the cycle continues. I've never said that to her, but I wanted to see how she's doing. She probably knew that instinctively and that's part of what this is about. And being a tourist, in a hotel, on my home turf has zero appeal.

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  18. Wiola,
    Thanks for checking in. you're on my radar, as you know. email me dates and cost, you never know. This opens up some options. One door closes, another opens. I'm sure as heck going to see Warhorse in London this trip. That's a start!

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  19. Bummer, but I guess I'm with the opinion that you need to stay somewhere else and limit your visiting time. If other relatives are nearby you could just spread your visits out among them. Maybe you could all meet up somewhere for a "family night out?"

    There isn't much worse than being an unwelcome guest no matter who the host is, or why you want to visit. Wish I could be more helpful here.

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  20. I have nothing to add to the excellent advice you've been given. Maybe remember to breathe deep, and see that it's not about you, it's her stuff, sad as that is. Best of luck and the ability to find something positive out of all this.

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  21. Jean, I usually ride with her at least once or twice and I was looking forward to meeting the owners of the barn she uses. When they planned a trip to San Francisco and couldn't get tickets to Alcatraz, my sister phoned me and I pulled some strings for them and made it happen.
    I'm already planning alternatives. It's just really odd. Our parents were hospitable to one and all and I seem to remember my sister and her boyfriend moving to France and living with us when my daughter was small.

    Silliyak, you are right and I know this. My decision is whether or not to call her on it. She's created her own reality, it doesn't mean it is real.

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  22. For two such perfectly normal, creative, dazzling, and charming women you and I sure are strapped with two nut-jobs for sisters!!!!! Haha, although I'm not really laughing...because your dilemma is real and I empathize with you fully. My sister and I have not seen one another since 2001, and have spoken on the phone since then exactly once (although I proposed "seasonal, quarterly phonecalls to stay in touch" about five years ago, an idea she ignored. In the last year she has divorced her husband, found a new man, gone totally cuckoo, and has sent me a series of the craziest (and one outright mean-spirited) emails you can imagine. But I think you can imagine. I never know whether an arriving email will be from the saner version of her or the one that erupts into chaos. Consequently, I have tampered down my communication to only the basics. I do not share anything real with her, because I know she could hurt me. I did volunteer to fly to Indiana and to stay in a motel for a short stay while she was in utter despair a few months ago. She never responded to my idea. I think that as far as she and I are concerned we would be best advised to keep our distance. Perhaps that is the same with you and your sis. I would definitely use the ticket and fly to my native land, and see other family and possibly childhood friends. Schedule a lunch with the sis and if it goes beautifully and if she suggests a longer chit-chat, then take it from there. But, good heavens, go and enjoy your vacation!!! You deserve it.

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  23. Lydia, thanks for sharing a similar story. I am making plans for myself, although now that I have procured tickets to see Warhorse, in London, my sister is enthusiastic about meeting me for that. I will let that be the cornerstone on which I try to build, If she answers her phone again between now and September:)

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